Twelve days of Christmas

As a child Christmas always seemed so far away. I was always waiting for Christmas to get here. Such a magical time of year with the weather changing, decorations, rich and savory food, gift giving and often traveling up north to see extended family. Just thinking about those days gets me excited. My parents raised me to always be mindful about what this holiday is really about and why we celebrate it. Sometimes in the midst of the decorating and present buying I forget. But I want to teach and instill in my children the reason why we celebrate Christmas so that means I need to be mindful. So this season everyday I try to ponder about the story of the first Christmas. I read the scriptures and I thank God for sending His Son. I also try to think a little outside my norm. Lately I've been wanting to read some history about Israel during Jesus' birth. Wondering why God picked that time. What was going on that made it the right time for Jesus to come to earth? Another interesting thought that I have spurred on by the fact that I am a worn out parent, just what was Jesus like as a baby and a toddler and how blessed Mary must have been to have a toddler that was always obedient :) I just want to keep Jesus fresh in my mind so that I don't get carried away, so that I don't forget Him, because all too often I do. In the midst of this beautiful season, while you are decorating the tree with loved ones, hanging the stockings with care, let's remember why we do all these things and how it all started and thank the Lord for sending His one and only Son! Praise be His Name!

no more sickness

This past month has been particularly difficult with our family being sick so often. This past week has been even more trying. Both girls are coughing with runny noses and are constantly whining. It also seems that my oldest has decided to assert herself more this week with constant demands and flat out refusals to any requests. Lord help me is all I can say. I can't think of a time when I have been more frazzled and frustrated in my life. I know that seems dramatic but I have really scared myself as a parent more than I have the past few days. I just want to run away to some other place. Not for long but maybe a weekend. But I can't. Not yet. Until then I just need more of God. More of His presence. More of His joy. More of His peace. More of His love.

Surgery

Tomorrow Douglas goes in for surgery. Nothing serious but he does need this or it could get serious. Please keep him in your prayers tomorrow and that recovery will be quick! Doc said he won't be able to resume normal activities for a month including picking up anything heavier than a pound or two! That's crazy! So please keep me in your prayers this month :) Thanks!

trust in Him

Why does it seem like everything is going wrong? There are periods in my life when it seems like problems occur one right on top of the other. Car keys lost for two week had to go buy new ones (which costs over $200), car flooding, checks bouncing, electricity cut off, water almost cut off, toilet clogged (happening right now) all the mean while I am just getting more and more frustrated and I know what I'm supposed to do, trust the Lord. He is my provider. The whole verse where it talks about the flowers are adorned more beautifully than us and how much more does the Lord love us? I know I know, so much more, infinitely more. Why oh why won't I trust Him in all things? I think I have given my problems over to Him but then when posed with a new hurdle I find myself stressing out. Oh please Lord let this refine be and not be in vain, renew a right spirit within me.

Not ten minutes later my neighbor who is also a plumber came and fixed my toilet in about 30-45 seconds and didn't charge me anything! Praise the Lord!!! He works fast!

Summer Over Already?

The summer has flown by already. I don't really love the heat of summer, especially since down here heat is what we get the most of but at the same time I really love the idea of summer. I suppose the love of summer is instilled in us as children and being free from school and tight schedules to enjoy the playtime of summer. And even though I'm no longer in school I can still appreciate all that summer holds. And now it is over, well the being free from school part. We still must endure the heat of summer. And now I find myself facing the choice of enrolling my almost three year old in school, yes already. I have some beloved family that have a strong opinion of putting Jojo into Montessori school but I can't see myself doing that just yet. I am struggling with the idea because she is still my baby! I know she is getting older and needs to grow and learn but I suppose because I was homeschooled I don't feel ready to let go of my precious time with her. I can see sending her somewhere to play a few times a week but I don't know about school. Perhaps I am being to clingy or too controlling. I am trying to be more open minded but I am having a hard time. Any ways if anyone happens to have any experience of Montessori school I would love any in put, even if you don't have first hand experience.

Even though it is hot outside and school is in session, we can all still enjoy the sunshine which thankfully we get an abundance of down here!!!

Be Cheap

cheep cheep

Just thought I would share a few deals and websites that help me be cheap.

My tips:

~Free breastfeeding covers at Uddercovers.com to promote Breastfeeding Week (Aug 1-7). Use Promo code "breastfeeding" and only pay shipping. Or use it on a gift set to save $32.00

~JJ Cole diaper bags about 50% off at Gilt.com in the "Alexandra's favorite picks for baby" section. Buy something in the children's section and get a $25 credit on your next order. Invite below if you need one.

http://www.gilt.com/invite/babycheapskate

gilt.com

~Added Baby Cheapskate to my favorite pages and keeps me updated on deals

~retailmenot.com helps you find coupons or codes for online purchases

~coupons.com for coupons to take to the grocery store

Keep on bein' cheap!

To Cloth or Not to Cloth

SooOOoooOO, cloth diapering.... is pretty great. I have been using cloth diapers (for the most part although I don't have enough to use them exclusively yet) for almost three weeks and it is almost time to send them back :( I have fallen in love with a few of them and I am going to call jilliansdrawers.com to see if I can keep them (I already paid for them I just wouldn't get the deposit back on those particular diapers).

Here are my top choices and why as of now:

1. GroVia diapers: because it's a shell that you can use and just replace the snap-in inserts and oh-so-easy. Also the shell is so nice a snug and looks nice and has not stained once. The velcro is soft (i think it's that new type of velcro) and stretches so you can adjust how tight you want it. Also it has snaps so its adjustable for growing babies... so you don't have to buy any more! Another handy option with grovia is that they sell disposable inserts for the shells so if you are on the go you can just change baby and then dispose as a regular diaper. These disposables are earth friendly and will decompose much quicker and natural than regular disposable diapers. And they look so cute!

2. Thirsties duo cover wraps: these are also velcro tabs (but not the new kind of velcro so its a bit scratchy) and snaps so they grow with your baby and have a soft fleece covering on the inside (I think to help absorb any extra fluid the cloth diaper doesn't catch). To use these you use either a prefold or flat cloth diaper (think what our parents used on us and that is what these are) to absorb the messes and then you put this lovely wrap around the cloth diaper so no leaks or messes! These are bulkier since the cloth diaper is bulky.

For the prefold I found a smaller size on greenmountain.com so hopefully this will be less bulky!

3. Thirsties wraps: these don't have any fleece on the inside and also no snaps to grow with your baby but with no fleece this means you can use multiple times without washing and are the cheaper diaper wraps. Even with no snaps to adjust for height of baby they still last for a long time (medium cover works for baby from 18-30lbs).

The two things I don't like about cloth are that they are bulky and I have to wash much more often than I would like (but in my sample package there were not that many cloth diapers so thus more washes). The two best things about cloth diapers are that in the long run they are much much cheaper and that they help keep waste down. A friend told me that it takes a regular diaper 500 yrs to fully decompose?!?! Crazy! (I haven't researched this yet but I will)

I have had some awesome friends help me figure these cloth diapers out and some websites that have helped:

jilliansdrawers.com

nickisdiapers.com

greenmountain.com

and searched youtube.com on how to fold flat diapers

I have already purchased unbleached prefolds (unbleached allows for the cotton to absorb more but isn't the pretty white color but that may be a good thing since they won't be white for long!) and unbleached flat diapers. I plan on buying thirsties covers both the duo wrap and the regular and I will try some bummis covers (just like thirsties but a bit cheaper) and I think I will splurge on a few fancy items like the GroVia and maybe eventually try the new bumgenius :)

Here are a few pics of some of the cutest looking covers!

Slow Down Time, Everything is going by too Fast!

And it is August already. School will be back in session soon and after that cooler weather and all the wonderful holidays! I do look forward to the cool weather and the holidays but at the same time it seems that summer just began. The days are ever fleeting and I just want to squeeze every precious moment for all it's worth. My girls are growing up! Josephine will be 3 in a month and I felt that it was time to work on potty training. She seems to finally be getting the hang of it but we are definitely not out of the woods yet. And her hair is so long and when I pull it back she really seems like a little lady. Not only that but I will be sending her to Mothers-Day-Out starting in about three weeks for two days a week. I will try it for a month and go from there. I'm not sure if I can handle her being away from me. This is all happening too fast!!! And Eloise is going on six months old already, rolling over and beginning to sit up almost by herself! I am so blessed to have my two beautiful girls in my life. They bless me beyond measure. I do still have my moments or even days when I don't think I can take it any more, such as yesterday, first day of intense potty training. But I remind myself of a book my grandma got me when I first had Josephine called Everyday Blessings. And it talks about life before baby arrived and then after baby arrives. Here is a short excerpt:

Since you've arrived I've learned to look around, Not to hurry so much, to take my time and slow down Because... someday I will miss the floors full of toys, The laughs, the cries, and all of the noise... (many other memories that I'm not including here) You've taught me to stop and enjoy everything, Each and every moment and all that life brings -- Because messes clean up and tears fade away, but you can never go back and relive today. I thank you baby for showing me all of this, For without you, imagine what I would miss!

Sometimes I get so sentimental I cry but I know God doesn't want that either. Just to enjoy this moment, not to be in such a hurry for the next thing. We are not promised tomorrow. But that doesn't mean we can't plan for tomorrow! :)

More about the Cloth

I have been doing this cloth diapering off and on only four days so there is still so much to learn but I thought I would share the little I have learned.

First, the diapering community is very helpful and once you enter you feel a sense of camaraderie, you're all in the same boat!

Second, read the directions before you put them on. Now I know this sounds simple but I was just so excited to put the cute little diapers on and I thought that it would just make sense that I didn't really bother, thus resulting in leakage on my lap. The main problem was that I was supposed to wash everything, some of the items a total of three times before it is to be worn. Why? Apparently, the more cloth diapers are washed the better they retain fluid, resulting in less leaks. Note: pay attention to HOW they are to be washed. I think it is all overwhelming at this point only because I have a wide variety of different kinds of cloth diapers and because its so new. If I were to have all the same kind and I was used to it, well, not so difficult.

Lastly, I am learning that our parents and grandparents and greatgrandparents were hard working wonderful people for doing cloth diapers, especially since it was so much more difficult in the past. Cloth diapering now is so easy, almost like disposable but you do have to rinse and wash them, but I mean the putting them on and not really any leaks. It's funny when I mention cloth diapering, especially to my parents generation, I get the same response, "ew yuck, they are so messy and leaky, why would you want to do that?" also a select person responded by whole heartedly telling me "no don't do it!" haha! But this is my experiment! oh well...

Cloth diapers are CUTE but some are bulky. My fav right now are the bumgenius because they are so slim and cute, only very $$$

The website I mentioned in my previous blog entry jilliansdrawers.com is having a contest right now and will give three bumgenius diapers (the newest version) to the winner! Hope I win!

Cloth Diaper's?

I thought just for the heck of it I would document my journey of cloth diapering. I would like to start by saying that I do not want to pressure anyone into cloth diapering or make someone feel bad for not choosing cloth diapers. I'm not even sure if I will stick with it! Just over a month ago I was not even interested in cloth diapers. In fact I had a conversation with my sister about how I was not interested in trying them since I am so squirmy about poop and hate hate hate doing laundry. So it is just a recent desire to try cloth, mostly because I have a friend that does it and she says its the norm in many places such as Alaska. So if many other moms are doing it maybe there's something I don't know about cloth diapering.
My first step was googling it which led me to more confusion since there are so many varieties and styles. Next I asked for help on facebook. A friend sent a link about cloth diapers http://www.diaperpin.com/clothdiapers/cloth_choices.asp
and a friend sent a link of a website that sells cloth diapers and also lets you try a variety of cloth diapers for 21 days for $10 http://jilliansdrawers.com/
I was hesitant to order because that meant I would have to do it but I worked myself up and ordered last week and I received them in the mail yesterday. I have already tried them all except the prefolds (which are the old school cloth diapers) because I have no idea how to fold them. Unlike old school diapers, they now have super cute water proof covers to put over the prefolds. I will keep trying them all until my 21 days are up and hopefully i will get a better feel for this. I have had one accident so far. The only time she has had a "dirty" dirty diaper was when she was already pretty wet and wearing the GroVia diapers and it leaked all over my lap.

Searching for Coffee and Messes in the Car

If you want to become a crazy person then you should definitely go on a long road trip with two little ones! I'm telling ya, it was nuts! Thankfully we were smart enough to bring something for Josephine to watch movies on but it was still a rough ride. Eloise is traumatized and refuses to sit in her car seat since she never knows if she'll be in it for 5hrs or 5min. But it was still good to see family. I'm so glad we went since I found out we aren't having another family reunion for three whole years from now! Josephine will be 5! WHOA! Can't think that far into the future :)



My mom's side of the family is crazy and fun! We always play tons of games outside as well as card games and playing in the pool and going down the spring fed water slide. This year it rain. That meant no out door activities. That meant cooped up children. Uh oh. There were a few incidents but luckily no one was permanently injured.
On the road up and back we were always on the look out for coffee shops. We are such coffee snobs that any ole' coffee shop won't do. No starbucks for these snobs :) We found some good places and some not so good places along the way. If ever in Austin hit up a place off of UT campus called JPs Java, excellent coffee! And we found a good place in Manhattan, KS that we will visit next time we're in the neighborhood.
So glad life has slowed back down, at least for the time being. Now to get caught up on laundry and house cleaning!

Busy Busy Busy

Normally, my days are slow and easy going with few necessary items to be accomplished. I miss those days. This summer has been crazy and it doesn't look like it's going to ease up for at least another month. This past week we had three sets of family come into town and a party to throw. Every night we were out late with family. Going to bed at midnight and waking late and getting up and getting out to spend more time with another family member. Whew! And now we're getting ready to take a trip to see family in KS. So I'm doing laundry that has been neglected and getting the car fixed and cleaned. AND NOW!!! A HURRICANE on the way! WHAT?!?! oh man now I need to prepare myself and family for the chances of a hurricane hitting us. So maybe we won't go to KS after all :( and after our trip that we may or may not go on I have an old college roommate coming into town with her family, a friend to say goodbye to and a birthday party all in one weekend... eeek! I need peace and rest. I need to realize that true peace and rest are not dependent on my circumstances but they come from the Lord.

rants and baby food

I would have to say that I need to learn a few things such as going to God first with my problems instead of searching for someone else to rant too. I struggle so much with wanting to spew my frustrations to either Douglas, my mom or my sister first or even every so often to the person I have a problem with instead of who I should always turn to first. But God is good and keeps giving me opportunities to practice. So I am trying.

In other news, I broke out a fancy shmancy piece of equipment that my mother in law got me that allows me to make my own baby food! Eloise it too little to eat food yet but I'm making smoothies with it and I will try to make some pureed veggies to sneak into our food. I highly recommend this gadget!

Picky Eater

Josephine used to eat everything put in front of her. Now, hardly anything. I often wonder if she's feeling alright since she refuses to eat and when she does its gold fish or a cookie. Well I've made mac and cheese for her and she does like that and will ask for it sometimes. Last night I made it homemade and she ate it! My mother-in-law got me a cook book full of kid friendly but also heath conscious recipes. Each recipe has a hidden vegetable mixed into the meal. There is even a brownie recipe with spinach in them! Can't wait to try it!





The secret ingredient! The recipe calls for pureed butternut squash but I don't have a food processor.

Road Trip!

Our road trip was seriously short but needed and enjoyed. We went to San Antonio for half a day for business (our automatic coffee grinder is down and needs fixing) and visited a local coffee shop, a gelato place that had some really interesting flavors such as maple and bacon (real bacon bits) and went to a small museum with a dinosaur exhibit. Before leaving we spotted a Central Market and just had to go in. I felt like a kid in a candy store!
I have to admit, sometimes I get just a bit jealous of my friends that get to go on exotic vacations over seas. I'm not sure if I'll ever go but I plan to save some $$ to go visit my sister in South Africa after she moves there. That means saving now! But as far as exotic vacations and being jealous and all that it did occur to me that pretty much all my friends that are doing that are either not married or have no kids. And even though sometimes I get frustrated, grumpy or down right crazy with my kids I have to admit it... they are better than an exotic vacation! I absolutely love seeing my girls growing up right in front of my eyes. I love wondering what kind of people they will be and grow into, what they will like, will they love reading, photography, math, science? I just love love love seeing my oldest daughter playing and seeing her imagination grow! So those exotic trips will just have to wait for later. For now it's going to the zoo and a fancy grocery store for me!

Moving On

The other day I watched as the vet put my dog to sleep.

We first noticed he wasn't feeling well on Friday and we took him to the vet Saturday morning. They said he had kidney failure and they would treat him and he had a 60% chance of making it (but the vet said that our dog looked pretty healthy and that he should be fine). He didn't make any progress, which the vet said she's never seen a dog not make any progress, and we had to make the decision to let him go. I knew it would be hard to watch him as they put him to sleep but the image of him being there and alert, although not feeling well, and then the very next moment he was gone. It happened so quickly. It really shook me up. I'm so sad for the lose of Toby but even more than that it made me think about death. Made me realize what I already knew, that this life is short

"These people are nothing but grass,
their love fragile as wildflowers. The grass withers, the wildflowers fade,
if God so much as puffs on them.
Aren't these people just so much grass? True, the grass withers and the wildflowers fade..."

Isaiah 40:7

So enjoy today and all that it brings because we are not promised tomorrow.

I love that dog and I will miss him. He was our second "baby" who used to sleep with us until our real babies came along. He was the only one that could really dance for a treat. Toby was solemn but loving. His life was too short. I am glad he is no longer in pain.

More about Ellie's birth story

More good news! Part of the reason we first decided to look into homebirth was because I am not covered under any insurance and knew it would be incredibly expensive to have a baby. Well obviously I ended up having Ellie at a hospital. We have been receiving bills for the last month or so but just not able to pay them so Douglas and I went to the hospital to figure out a payment plan. I was praying for favor, praying they would allow us to pay slowly, I mean really slowly. I had been a little worried about paying our hospital bill but I had resolved not to worry about it and that God would take care of us.

When we got into the office she looked at our bill (around $11000) and said that there was only really one deal she could offer us. She said that if we could pay all at once then she could give us a discount. All we would have to pay is just shy of $2000! WOW! I couldn't believe it. I had to ask again if I was hearing it correctly. Haha, God is so good! Well we got home and as soon as I got into our house I heard the phone ring and I saw that it was the hospital. I was thinking "oh no, they're going to tell us that they miscalculated and that we owe more". Sure enough is was the same lady we had just seen and she told us that she had miscalculated our total. She had forgotten to include another discount!

AMAZING! God is so good! He is my provider! Ellie is bought and paid for in more than one sense of the word!

The Birth Story of My Babies

Preface: This is the long version of my story and I am mostly posting this for myself. If you choose to read this there are some things I would like you to keep in mind. First: that I have pretty much no medical knowledge. I do refer to my own opinions of delivery but they are merely that, my opinions. I have read several books and studies but that is all. This is just my view of my deliveries. I'm sure that a dr., my midwife as well as my husband and family all have their own experiences. Second: that I am in no way disrespecting doctors and their hard work. and Third: that I am in no way disrespecting women that end up with c-sections whether by choice or not. I had one, I didn't like it, my opinion. Thank you!

I would say my story begins while pregnant with my first born. Here in America there is such a draw to know how the baby inside you is developing and what changes occur to you more than any other knowledge while pregnant. I found myself in this category. I spent most of my time learning how my baby was developing but no time spent on finding the right dr. for me or even what was best for my baby during delivery. In fact, I did not want to think about delivery because it frightened me. I assumed all dr.s were basically the same and that I would birth my baby the same as all my friends, which was induce and vaginally deliver.

My pregnancy with my first was riddled with many uncomfortable side effects, such as rashes, stretch marks, more than average amounts of amniotic fluid (over a gallon), PUPPS (pregnancy rash) and being pregnant during the hottest months of the year. I was so ready to not be pregnant any longer that I had no problems with my dr. wanting to induce me a week early since the sonogram showed my baby to be on the larger side. I went to the hospital, they hooked me up to every machine imaginable and began the pitocin. Five hrs later I was 5cm dilated and they told me that I should get my epidural and have my water broken to speed up the laboring process. I mentioned that in child birthing classes we had watched a video that said to wait until 7cm dilation because epidurals can cause a laboring woman to slow down in contractions. The nurses told me that was incorrect and that I should go ahead and get the epidural now because if I waited any longer I may not get one. Feeling pressured, I caved in and got the epidural. Shortly afterwards, the Dr. came in and broke my water. Several hours later I was checked and found to still be at 5cm so they increased the pitocin around 4pm. I was checked a few hours later and was 6cm dilated. They waited a little longer but then baby’s heart rate dropped so they cut off the pitocin and put an oxygen mask on me to try to bring baby’s heart rate to normal. It did not return to normal and around 7pm they decided to perform an emergency cesarean. I cried because I had heard that once you have a cesarean you always have to have a cesarean and I knew I wanted more children. Also I felt there was something wrong with me since I wasn’t able to have a normal birth.

They wheeled me into surgery. I was drugged up, and they quickly went to work getting the baby out. I felt the tugging and then I heard crying but I couldn’t see my baby. Several minutes passed as they cleaned her up and they wrapped her in a blanket and then quickly showed her to me and snapped a picture. I remember my husband asking me if it was alright if he went with baby to the nursery and I told him it was. After that I succumbed to the drugs and fell asleep. Next thing I remember was my arm burning and waking me up. I felt disoriented and confused. All I knew was that I was in pain. (It was the drug they added to my IV). Then they wheeled me out to where my family and friends were waiting for me. I don’t remember anything that happened but thankfully a friend had captured it all on video.

The following days are all a blur from a mixture of pain, drugs, exhaustion and the newness of having a baby. I felt estranged to my baby, which I thought was odd since I always thought I would have a strong motherly connection to my baby but it did not come. I had difficulty nursing my baby, she would not latch on correctly and I even had a lactation specialist come to help me. After being in the hospital for 5 days I was released to try and make it on my own. I felt scared and unsure. The following weeks and months were filled with pain from surgery and difficulty nursing. My baby wouldn’t latch on to nurse and I saw two lactation specialists. I ended up nursing, pumping, and supplementing with formula. My daughter didn’t gain back her birth weight until she was two months old and still had difficulty gaining weight.

As time passed I began to wonder why I had needed to cesarean. Playing the scenario over in my mind trying to make sense of it I began asking friends who were nurses in Labor & Delivery and even going to OBs to talk to them about it hoping I could make sense of it all. I never got an answer. But the questions still lurked in the back of my mind.

During my second pregnancy I knew I wanted my chance at a natural delivery, in this case called a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), but I didn’t know how to make sure I got one or at least make my chances better. I began by talking to my aunt who is an RN and a lactation specialist. She mentioned that I might want to use a doula or a midwife. She recommended a movie to watch “The Business of Being Born”. When I got home I got a copy and my husband and I watched it. We were amazed to see “our” birth story with our firstborn repeated several times of other mothers in the hospitals. They, like me, were tired of the system. They were tired of being treated like incubators that are in the way of getting the baby out as quickly as possible. It all made sense. We, the mothers, were on the Dr’s schedule not the Dr’s on our time as it should be. That is why I had a cesarean. Not because there was something wrong with me but because I had accepted all forms of interventions to “speed up” the delivery, which in turn caused me to end up needing a cesarean. At my next OB appointment I discussed with my dr. the possibility of a VBAC, which she said she allows. But as I began asking more questions I saw that she really only allowed VBACs if they went exactly as she wanted them to go. She said she would only allow the pregnancy to extend until 40 weeks and no further if it did I would have a c-section. I would not be allowed to labor at all at home and would have to come to the hospital as soon as I went into labor. Once in the hospital I would have to be put on an epidural with no possibility of being able to labor naturally. I knew if I stayed with my dr. I would most likely end up with a second c-section. It was time to explore my other options.

I met with a midwife through a friend and we discussed the birth of my firstborn. I told her what I wanted this time around and asked some questions. I felt very comfortable around her and decided to go see her. Once I made the choice to proceed with a homebirth. I borrowed several books about homebirth and natural birth. One in particular I found very helpful, Birthing From Within. It helped me to face any fears I might have about birthing (whether at home or the hospital). Thankfully I found myself surrounded by friends and family who were very supportive and prayed with me and for me. With them backing me up I felt even better about the homebirth. About a week before I had my baby one of my friends surprised me with a shower of a different kind. Several women had come to impart words of wisdom and encouragement for me as well as prayer and even a sweet song to my baby. What blessings they poured over my baby and me and I felt loved.

My due date was February 24^th and on February 25^th at 1am I began having contractions. They were not very consistent, ranging about six to fifteen minutes apart. Around 7am I called my midwife’s assistant to tell her about my contractions. She told me that once they were consistently five minutes apart to call her. All through the day the contractions stayed irregular. My midwife and assistant came to check on me with still little progress. I tried to sleep and rest but it was difficult. This wasn’t the labor I was expecting. The next day was more of the same. The contractions were making me feel on edge as well as tired. I started to feel that maybe I should just go and get a c-section because I at least know what to expect from that. One of my friends called me to encourage me and told me she had a friend who had a similar experience. Her friend called me to tell me her story. She had had two previous c-sections before having a homebirth. Before she gave birth she had experienced two days of pre-labor contractions and expressed to me her frustrations with them. She had considered going to the hospital but before giving up she tried a technique, which she explained to me and then her labor began resulting in a healthy delivery several hours later. The conversation made me feel hopeful! Once I got home I tried this technique, called pelvic rock (nothing dirty I promise!) for 2 hours. I got so tired that I was drifting in and out of conciseness. After two hours, 4-6pm, I had found that I was spotting or rather loosing my mucus plug.

Around 4am on February 27^th my contractions became much stronger and I knew things had changed. I called my midwife at 6:30am and they showed up at 7am. They checked me around 8am and I was 4cm dialated. Around 11am I was 6cm and got into the birthing pool. The birthing pool was amazing! The warm water cut the pain of labor by almost half and made laboring manageable for me. A few hours later I was about 7cm and they suggested that I get out of the pool to see if that would pick up my labor. I stayed out for about an hour and it was difficult. I dialated to 8cm and I got back into the pool. This was at 5pm. Around 7pm they checked me and I was 9cm dialated. I felt excited to be so far along but after a couple of hours I began to feel hopeless because of not progressing to pushing stage. My birthing team encouraged me that I must be in transition because of feeling hopeless and ready to give up. But why was I not getting any further? Why was I stuck in transition for hours? I had always read it generally lasted a short time (but there are no precise time guidelines in natural birth). When they checked me they noticed the baby’s head going up and down which meant the head was not engaged therefore not putting enough pressure to completely dialate me. My midwife noticed that my contractions were still manifesting as back labor and came to the conclusion that my baby was posterior. They had me get out of the pool (about 9:30pm and I was exhausted) and get on the bed and do a variation of pelvic rocks to get the baby to turn. It felt like torture to be in the position and having the contractions. I stayed like this for about half an hour and then I moved to my side for a half hour. No change. I felt like I was going to die. I honestly believe if I had been better rested and better prepared for this mind game of extreme pain and exhaustion I could have endured and kept laboring at home. Baby was healthy and I was healthy. I was just tired. My midwife saw that I was tired and not dealing with the pain well and suggested that I be transported to the hospital. At that point I was just ready to not feel pain, no matter at what end, so I agreed. She prepared me for what was going to happen during the transport and what would happen in the hospital. She let me know that the doctors would want to take me directly to surgery to have a c-section and what I would say in response. We all prayed that it wouldn’t come to that.

As I got dressed the paramedics arrived (around 11pm). The ride was bumpy and I felt out of my comfort zone completely. I had been surrounded by people I knew and in my comfortable pool and now big gruff men surrounded me and I had to get through my contractions on my own. I didn’t know what to expect any more. Labor had gone nothing like I had expected. I was sad but also tired and in pain. Once I got to the hospital all I could think of was how long it would take to get an epidural. The nurse was sweet and walked me through my contractions. The dr. came to assess me and I was back to 4cm. Of course the dr. didn’t know that I had been at 9cm. She just knew that I told her I started contractions at 4am and she knew I had been working with a midwife. She distrusted the midwife and she wanted to take me to surgery but I asked her to let me labor as long as baby and myself were doing well. Thankfully she agreed. (Side note: I’m not sure why how long I’ve been laboring means I should have a c-section instead of just looking at the health of both baby and momma.) I asked that my birthing team be allowed into my room with my husband and me. I’m not sure when I got my drugs since time had no meaning any longer but I remember thinking I was both grateful and sad at the same time. I was grateful for not having the pain and being able to rest but sad that I hadn’t been strong enough to do without them.

My midwife and team said that while I was asleep around 2am they could hear on the fetal monitor the baby moving so that she was no longer in a posterior position. Every 2-3 hours the dr. would check on me and ask to break my water, which I asked her if we could wait. Finally at 7cm I got “stuck” or slowed down and I gave my consent to break my water. Next time they checked on me I was 9cm. They waited a little longer for me to get to 10cm but it never happened so the dr. came in and manually opened me and I pushed to get my baby past that point. Around 10am I got ready to push. I noticed my epidural was wearing off and I was in a hurry to get my baby into my arms. I pushed but the nurse noticed the baby’s head was stuck behind a bone so she consulted with a dr. and came back to me to have me lay on my side and push. Once I got into position I pushed for a short time and got my baby past the bone and I reverted back to pushing on my back. After an hour of pushing I could feel a faint burning sensation and then I felt my baby move out of me and they laid her on my chest. (Before pushing I had informed the dr. that I didn’t want an episotime which she agreed to. Also we informed her that we didn’t know the gender of my baby and my midwife asked them not to announce the gender so that we could just see for ourselves.) At first I was just so overwhelmed with the beauty of my baby and that she was finally here that I didn’t even think of looking to see if she were a boy or a girl. Baby stayed with me for over an hour. I got to nurse her and introduce her to her new family, including her big sister. The whole experience was amazing. This was the experience I had wanted, even needed to have with my first but did not get. This experience healed me, made me grow. I appreciate that the dr. and her team worked with me that that I could have a VBAC. I may not have been able to have my homebirth I had been planning and dreaming of but this experience was still good. The hospital even allowed me to go home with my baby the same day!

Without the support of my family, friends, midwife and the Lord I wouldn’t have had the same outcome. Sadly, too many doctors are afraid of lawsuits and jump the gun on cesareans leaving many women feeling like failures. After having my first child via c-section I was depressed but didn’t realize why until I read the book mentioned above. I believe the birthing experience is something that has been built into us by our Maker. It’s true sometimes doctors do need to intervene with certain procedures and surgeries but in the instance of cesareans I think they are occurring too often. There is an abundance of research showing that the US is the only developed country with such high cesarean rates. Hopefully doctors and women will work together to get back to how God intended birth to be. Please don’t fear the birthing process. Yes it can be painful, yes is can be a little scary, and yes it is unpredictable but the beauty is that you have to place your trust in the Lord. My midwife showed me a beautiful scripture.

1 Timothy 2:15 But women will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

She shares: …going through childbirth can bring us closer to God than we could ever imagine as long as we turn to God and put our trust in Him. In this way, childbirth “saves” us… Every woman faces fear before or during childbirth. Each woman’s fears may vary in degree… When we look at all of God’s other childbearing creatures they do not face fear during childbirth. So why is it that only humans seem to fear giving birth? I believe it is because we are sinners who have lost our instinctual trust in God. But when women of faith put their trust in God who is their creator and who loves them, they lose their fears… I believe it is that trust that removes the fear of childbirth.

Added recently: It has now been two months since the birth of my daughter and I have recently seen my midwife and she has told me that the dr. that delivered my baby is now eager to work with midwives. My midwife has had a chance to speak with a few drs and interns to help them see her as a professional and is taking some much needed steps to improving prenatal and delivery care in the South Texas Area. I am astounded by her strength, knowledge, skill and love. She loves what she does and is strong enough to do it. As much negative attention that I got for proceeding with a homebirth she must deal with that negativity daily. So before spreading malicious stories of homebirths I challenge you to do your research. For when I began to do my research I was amazed to see how healthy and safe it really is.

Glass half full

I must admit, I'm a kind of gal who sees the glass half empty. I'm pretty negative most of the time. It takes a real effort to be positive, it doesn't come natural to me I suppose. But I am working on that. It's time for a mental makeover. Yesterday was a trying day what with Ellie not wanting to sleep all day but wanting to be held and me having a headache and Jojo asking to be held (she says "hit you" she is trying to say hold you) and to top it off Douglas was so busy yesterday with his two jobs that I barely even spoke to him all day. One thing I did tell him was how my arms were so tired from holding either Ellie or Jojo or both all day long. Then when it was finally time to call it a day I snuggled next to my hubby and held him in my arms and I thought oh boy I'm holding again. But then a new thought came into my head. How blessed I am that I have a husband to hold. How sweet and precious it is to be able to hold both of my beautiful daughters. That my arms are filled with the ones that I truly love and mean most to me in the world. My small world in my two arms. So I thanked the Lord that my arms were sore and tired from holding the most precious people to me all day long. And now I must be off to go hold my babies again.

I'm your garden

For those of you who don't know, I love Misty Edwards. She is an amazing worship singer who writes her own songs. Often her songs are just things she sings while meditating on the Lord so they are often very repetitive so if you are listening for fun she is not a good choice but if you want to just wait on the Lord and just think about Him she is a good pick.

She has this one song about being a garden. I don't know the words exactly but she sings...

Here it's You and me alone God

I'm no longer my own, I'm Your garden

Come into Your garden

I want to live on the inside out

There is more but this is the gist of the song. I love this song because it reminds me to go to my private place with the Lord. And depending on how often I visit and what I do during those times determines if my garden is a lovely place or a place of weeds. Right now I would equate myself the the secret garden, once a lovely place well tended but has been neglected for some time. Locked up. But the seeds are planted and still there. With some work and time and with the right hands it can be beautiful again. I hope to get there... I want my garden to be a sacred place.